Note: All photos are from 2016-2017
Rotting from the inside out…
We all use the phrase quite hypothetically.
Usually paired with serious talks about our mental wellbeing and how we feel as though we may be rotting from the inside out. It’s so horrible. So sad.
Now imagine that feeling.
The all encompassing feeling of rotting from the inside out mentally. Now do that while physically rotting from the inside out. This has been my life since I was 14 years old. It started with one colonoscopy my sophomore year in high school and has has carried into more tests than the disability center would allow me to submit. My life consists of doctors appointments, being poked and prodded in every vulnerable spot possible and trying to solve one medical crisis after the next.
It’s not as scary as you’d think.
I find it funny and interesting to be quite honest. Almost as though I don’t have to seek excitement in my life, it seeks me. My body is my excitement. Most of my days are spent thinking “I know this isn’t normal, and I haven’t told anyone about this yet, but I may need to see a doctor for this issue”. Most would have gone to the ER about my issues years prior; but I’ve just had so much going on. You can call it negligence or hard work but I HAD to finish my Bachelors Degree before I dove head into my health issues. I also had so many other health issues compiling I wasn’t able to process the severity of my issues, so I kind of just put things on the back burner to achieve a goal and dream of mine.
People worry for me as though I am dying.
Although some days it feels like I might die (and have somewhat come close a few times) it’s quite interesting to see people’s faces cringe as I tell them broad details of my health battle. It’s not “interesting” in an attention seeking way; it’s more of like a mental statistic on how fucked up people think I am. I honest to God didn’t see how bizarre my health is until I woke up with six incisions, a repaired hiatal hernia, a new esophagus, my stomach wrapped around the esophagus and not being able to move.
I’m not sure how to this works but…
I guess when you’re literally rotting from the inside out, you tend to block out the part where you feel like a molding piece of fruit. You ignore the fact that it’s not normal to not be able to drink water because it feels like pure acid going down or the fact that you throw up more than you piss.
Although I feel like a fruit that rots from within
I am so blessed and thankful for the health that I do have. I can walk, talk and even cuss. Not everyone is able to say they can do those things. I’m attached to medications but not an oxygen tank and a monitor for my oxygen. I am a very blessed girl with a very weird life, and for that I am grateful. It is hard but I am finding myself within myself. I am using my weaknesses to build my strengths in hopes that one day I can pass my attempt at courage on to others.