Devoured by Depression

That is my tattoo in the form of a serotonin molecule. This is to remind me that I can make my own happiness. It is to remind me that I CAN be in control, but even when you know what can be; it doesn’t mean it will always be.

I am being devoured…

I’m nervous to write this. Not because I don’t want people to know what’s on my mind, but because I’m mortified to dig into why I’ve been so fucked up lately. My head hasn’t been here, I haven’t been here.

 

 

 

I stopped blogging, I stopped planning, I stopped posting much on social media, I stopped going to the beach, I kind of stopped giving a shit. It’s not an excuse, but depression took over my life again. When I struggle, I struggle hard. While having Generalized Anxiety (GAD) 24/7, I have somewhat managed to deal with all of my issues pretty well. But there are times, that we all go through, where we fall face first into a pit of mud off the bandwagon.

 

 

 

I lost my job a few months back due to my health. Essentially I was spending much more time at the hospital than I was at work, therefore I understand having to be let go. But what’s hard is now I feel stuck. Stuck in place. Because I am still struggling with health problems that limit me from working most jobs; I feel so so so very stuck.

 

When I graduated college back in 2016 I never imagined the place I’d be in now. I had (and still have) dreams of going to grad school for my Masters and PhD, which WILL happen just maybe in another year. Although I know I can eventually move forward it is hard being strapped down back home, living with my dad, essentially jobless because of my health. Although my health is poor it’s not as poor as so many people in this country which makes me feel so guilty. I am not dying. I do not have cancer, therefore I feel as though I should be fine but when I really try to function it’s cut off by having a seizure or getting sick in the bathroom for hours on end.

 

It causes me to get inside my own head and spiral. It wears my down from my brain to my toes. I’m lucky if I have enough energy to make a meal. The other day I literally cried from 8am-2pm for absolutely no reason. I just cried because I felt so down, so empty.

 

Photograph by @errinorzel on Instagram

I attempt to fill this gap with others. When I’m not in bed I am forcing myself to be at a friends to make myself feel whole. I am ignoring myself and my feelings because my brain feels incapable of processing them. Any subtle shift in my plans for the day gives me so much anxiety it’s ridiculous. My anxiety consists of constantly repeating plans in my head to make sure my day is on point and worrying about any little thing that could go wrong- a toxic mixture.

 

Christmas is coming and I would love to write all of these festive blog posts and be all cheery and shit, but when I think about it it literally scares me. I don’t know why. I have barely done my makeup in the last month, and we all know how much I love to beat this face. To put on makeup is painful for me. It feels like my brain is doing too much. Everything makes my brain feel like it’s doing too much.

 

I was supposed to get back on my health kick 2 months ago, yet here I am being a potato. I can’t bring myself to walk my dog anymore, even on the nicest days. The thought of going for a walk or doing anything for that matter makes me panic. I don’t know why. I am not a recluse, although I’m very close to it. Yes, a lot of it is mental, but being sick most days really does call for being near a place that makes you comfortable, but in a way I guess you could say I use that as an excuse to stay in. I want to get out, I want to be able to blog all of the time and always be productive. I mean shit, I literally write essays from home for my current “job” and I can’t even get my laundry done in one shot.

 

Today, I have decided to try and pull my head out my ass and work on me. No more excuses, no more being lazy and ignoring my emotions. I am going to work on making myself whole again. I know there are so many others out there that share the same pain as me so I would like to share with you my goals to pull myself out of this deep depression.

Plans to pulling my head out of my ass

  • Journaling daily: (importance/benefits) this action evokes mindfulness. There is a direct correlation between happiness and mindfulness. Mindfulness is the awareness you have of the things around and within you (such as physical feelings and emotions). Not only does journaling daily help with your mindfulness and addressing you the feelings you may be ignoring (such as myself), it helps you achieve your goals. It helps organize and collect your thoughts, essentially a blueprint of your future plans.
  • Exercising 5 days a week: whether this means walking my dog for 30 mins, walking the beach, or even just walking around the mall I need a solid 30 mins. Exercising is very good for decreasing depression, anxiety and stress due to the release of certain endorphins.
  • Starting a gratitude log: Gratitude is so important to happiness. It gives you time to change your perception and be grateful for things you already have within your life. This can help you really focus on what matters in life. On days that you feel blue, it can be really refreshing to read back through all of the beautiful things you have in your life.
  • Reading daily: I need to learn to be able to take myself far away without using my phone. My brain gets so lazy and that’s not good. Reading 30 minutes a day can help decrease chances in early onset alzheimer’s, so yeah I need to read.
  • Daily devotional: Now, I understand not everyone is spiritual and that is okay. I personally am and would like to dedicate more time to God and reading his word. Mmmm, maybe with some tea, or coffee. Oh, I’m getting ideas this is awesome and making me excited.

 

There are plenty of other things I can list out, but let’s be real and start small. As stoked as I am to get my life together, I fear failure. BUT, fear will not stop me. When you identify fear you can shine light on it and move forward.

 

Xx, Kyles

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