You Put the Cock in Cocktail.

Hint: You’d Only Fuck These Guys Drunk

We all know a guy who can put the cock in cocktail and by this I mean, any guy you might accidentally hook-up with while you’re drunk. And you, without fail, will in fact fuck at least one of these guys in your lifetime.These men are called DOUCHE BAGS.

I love douche bags because they’re so predictable, hence how I can write a whole blog post on them.

Bellow are just a few of the many types of douchebags:

1. The Frat Douche: You can usually find these little fuckers running around in Sperrys and pastel colored clothes that are MUCH too small for their bodies. And by too small, I mean I can almost see their unevenly shaven ball sacks hanging out from their “THESE ARE NOT CARGOS” shorts. He’s probably a business major and will over estimate his penis size by a good inch and a half. You will only know this because the snapchats looked great but too bad you can’t live life at your “good dick angle”. Although these little douche bags can “party” you’ll usually find a hand full of them passed out at their own frat parties. Like who the fuck passes out at their own party? Pussies.

 

2. The “CHECKOUT MY MIX-TAPE” Douche: There are two branches of these dumbasses. There’s the “wanna be rappers” and the “wanna be EDM  artists”. Whatever you do STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Only because, instead of shoving his awkwardly curved penis down your throat, it’ll be his mixtape and you want NO PART OF THAT. The “wanna be rappers” will tell you they’re a hit sensation, but Walmart won’t even sell them in their 5 dollar box. The wanna be DJ’s will usually be on some sort of drug and almost always offer you some, which is quite nice. Don’t fall for it though because after rolling your balls off you’ll be stuck on the come down at some fuck  boys house with no ride and a dead cell phone. Make sure to sneak out before he slides his mix tape in your purse.

 

3. Mr. “No Fat Chicks allowed”: IT NEVER FAILS, YOU WILL AT SOME POINT MEET THIS DOUCHEBAG. And whatever you do, DO NOT take it personal. These dick heads will sit there and tell you how much they hate fat chicks as they stand there with their beer gut and choad. I’m not even going to elaborate on this type of douche bag anymore because there’s nothing funny about them other than their dick size.

 

4. The Dead Beat Douche: These douchebags are usually hard to communicate with due to their lack of education and capability to speak properly. This douchebag has more than one child; more often than not with multiple women. Although he has multiple children, he never sees any of them and then complains that he “doesn’t get child support”. I shit you not, a sperm donor literally complaining that they’re not getting child support. This is what I mean, hard to communicate with. Nothing they say makes any sense at all. These douche bags will also have summer teeth. If you don’t know what I’m referring to “some are here and some are there” type of mouth set. Now I personally have never been that blacked out drunk to get it in with one of these guys (and I never want to be) but if you have, hit me up on my email and let me know how awful it was…

 

5. The Stereotypical “Player” Douche: These guys are usually good. They’re not low key but they’re pretty damn charming for whatever reason. This type of douchebag more than likely goes to the gym “super baked bro” and will send you snapchats of his dick at odd hours. When he sends you snaps like this, he is NOT thinking about you. Please be aware that you just got dick spammed by this fucker and only ONE female was expecting it and he liked the angle so he sent the photo to every female on his recent favorites. These are the guys that usually post on social media while ignoring your texts. This guy 10/10 uses a douche whistle or in their terms “A VAPE BRO”.

 

6. The Trust Fund Douche: This douchebag has dropped out of college and still lives in the same town as the college he failed out of. This guy is also probably your drug dealer who tells you he’s “giving you a good deal” every time you go pick-up. Which, in fact, he is not. He is giving you the same deal as everyone else. Even if this dude is ugly he can still somehow slay pussy, but the pussy never stays because they realize he’s a loser.

 

7. The “Babe” Douche: This douchebag will call you babe from the second he sniffs feelings coming from your hopeless ass. Babe this, baby that. Don’t let it fool you. He’s probably still texting his most recent ex-girlfriend calling her babe as well. He’ll say that he “wants a relationship babe, but wants it to be natural and gradual”. What he’s really saying is that once he’s bored fucking you he’s going back to his ex.

 

Now sit back, relax and drink up to celebrate not letting these dicks get near your pussy.

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