Devoured by Depression

That is my tattoo in the form of a serotonin molecule. This is to remind me that I can make my own happiness. It is to remind me that I CAN be in control, but even when you know what can be; it doesn’t mean it will always be.

I am being devoured…

I’m nervous to write this. Not because I don’t want people to know what’s on my mind, but because I’m mortified to dig into why I’ve been so fucked up lately. My head hasn’t been here, I haven’t been here.

 

 

 

I stopped blogging, I stopped planning, I stopped posting much on social media, I stopped going to the beach, I kind of stopped giving a shit. It’s not an excuse, but depression took over my life again. When I struggle, I struggle hard. While having Generalized Anxiety (GAD) 24/7, I have somewhat managed to deal with all of my issues pretty well. But there are times, that we all go through, where we fall face first into a pit of mud off the bandwagon.

 

 

 

I lost my job a few months back due to my health. Essentially I was spending much more time at the hospital than I was at work, therefore I understand having to be let go. But what’s hard is now I feel stuck. Stuck in place. Because I am still struggling with health problems that limit me from working most jobs; I feel so so so very stuck.

 

When I graduated college back in 2016 I never imagined the place I’d be in now. I had (and still have) dreams of going to grad school for my Masters and PhD, which WILL happen just maybe in another year. Although I know I can eventually move forward it is hard being strapped down back home, living with my dad, essentially jobless because of my health. Although my health is poor it’s not as poor as so many people in this country which makes me feel so guilty. I am not dying. I do not have cancer, therefore I feel as though I should be fine but when I really try to function it’s cut off by having a seizure or getting sick in the bathroom for hours on end.

 

It causes me to get inside my own head and spiral. It wears my down from my brain to my toes. I’m lucky if I have enough energy to make a meal. The other day I literally cried from 8am-2pm for absolutely no reason. I just cried because I felt so down, so empty.

 

Photograph by @errinorzel on Instagram

I attempt to fill this gap with others. When I’m not in bed I am forcing myself to be at a friends to make myself feel whole. I am ignoring myself and my feelings because my brain feels incapable of processing them. Any subtle shift in my plans for the day gives me so much anxiety it’s ridiculous. My anxiety consists of constantly repeating plans in my head to make sure my day is on point and worrying about any little thing that could go wrong- a toxic mixture.

 

Christmas is coming and I would love to write all of these festive blog posts and be all cheery and shit, but when I think about it it literally scares me. I don’t know why. I have barely done my makeup in the last month, and we all know how much I love to beat this face. To put on makeup is painful for me. It feels like my brain is doing too much. Everything makes my brain feel like it’s doing too much.

 

I was supposed to get back on my health kick 2 months ago, yet here I am being a potato. I can’t bring myself to walk my dog anymore, even on the nicest days. The thought of going for a walk or doing anything for that matter makes me panic. I don’t know why. I am not a recluse, although I’m very close to it. Yes, a lot of it is mental, but being sick most days really does call for being near a place that makes you comfortable, but in a way I guess you could say I use that as an excuse to stay in. I want to get out, I want to be able to blog all of the time and always be productive. I mean shit, I literally write essays from home for my current “job” and I can’t even get my laundry done in one shot.

 

Today, I have decided to try and pull my head out my ass and work on me. No more excuses, no more being lazy and ignoring my emotions. I am going to work on making myself whole again. I know there are so many others out there that share the same pain as me so I would like to share with you my goals to pull myself out of this deep depression.

Plans to pulling my head out of my ass

  • Journaling daily: (importance/benefits) this action evokes mindfulness. There is a direct correlation between happiness and mindfulness. Mindfulness is the awareness you have of the things around and within you (such as physical feelings and emotions). Not only does journaling daily help with your mindfulness and addressing you the feelings you may be ignoring (such as myself), it helps you achieve your goals. It helps organize and collect your thoughts, essentially a blueprint of your future plans.
  • Exercising 5 days a week: whether this means walking my dog for 30 mins, walking the beach, or even just walking around the mall I need a solid 30 mins. Exercising is very good for decreasing depression, anxiety and stress due to the release of certain endorphins.
  • Starting a gratitude log: Gratitude is so important to happiness. It gives you time to change your perception and be grateful for things you already have within your life. This can help you really focus on what matters in life. On days that you feel blue, it can be really refreshing to read back through all of the beautiful things you have in your life.
  • Reading daily: I need to learn to be able to take myself far away without using my phone. My brain gets so lazy and that’s not good. Reading 30 minutes a day can help decrease chances in early onset alzheimer’s, so yeah I need to read.
  • Daily devotional: Now, I understand not everyone is spiritual and that is okay. I personally am and would like to dedicate more time to God and reading his word. Mmmm, maybe with some tea, or coffee. Oh, I’m getting ideas this is awesome and making me excited.

 

There are plenty of other things I can list out, but let’s be real and start small. As stoked as I am to get my life together, I fear failure. BUT, fear will not stop me. When you identify fear you can shine light on it and move forward.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Fall Essentials for Your Mental Health

-Seasons are changing-

As the seasons change, so can our mental well-being. While the months wear on from bright sunny summer days to darker, colder and shorter days it’s good to mentally asses your well-being and have a seasonal adaptation plan! I know this may sound silly, but the seasons really can affect our mental health and it’s so important to be aware of that.

 

 

 

 

 

Below are some mental health essentials for the coming season!

Fall Essentials for a Happy Mind

 

Take a walk

This is little foot: little foot has a sibling ‘little hand’ that you will eventually meet. Little foot likes to take long walks with me.

 

Little foot taking a stroll with my dog

While the temperature drops to a somewhat comfortable degree, it is the perfect time to take advantage nature. Nature’s impact on mental health is incredible! Environments can increase or decrease our stress. Research has revealed that being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature reduces anger, fear and stress which intern increases pleasant feelings. Not only is nature great for your mental well-being, it’s great your physical wellness as well. That in turn helps with your mental health and it’s just a full cycle of goody goodness.

 

 

 

 

Little foot going on an outdoor climb!

 

 

Interestingly enough, Daniel Goleman suggests that our time in nature or scenes of nature increases our ability to pay attention. Another study by Andrea Taylor on children with ADHD shows that time spent in nature increases their attention span.

 

 

Needless to say it’s very clear that nature is a great way to boost your mental well-being!

 

Find some yummy scents!

If someone asked me what my favorite part about fall is, I’d tell you the smells. OH MY GOD THE SMELLS!!!!!!!!!. Everything smells so good. Pumpkin Pecan this, Warm Vanilla that. It’s literal heaven on earth. Scents can enhance your olfactory system (the system that helps you smell) which will then boost your mental well-being. Find your smell!!!!! I personally hate Pumpkin flavored food but love Pumpkin scented things. Play around with it, find what you like and burn that candle!!

-OR-

Find some lovely seasonal essential oils! Essential oils are so good for us mentally and physically. Essential oils are famously known for helping treat a wide variety of ailments; mental and physical. I can genuinely say essential oils have really helped and have worked for me. I personally use YoungLiving due to their Seed to Seal policy. This is a company promise ensuring quality guaranteed during their extensive process. This means that they test the product before and after making it to ensure pureness. (I can do a whole blog post on this later).

 

If you’re interested in signing up for YoungLiving you can go through myself!

Register here–> YoungLiving Sign Up and use member #: 12674381

OR send an email to mentalrocknrollsex@gmail.com with an order request!

 

Here are some fall DIY essential oil blends:

Changing Leaves

This scent is meant to bring together the amazing aromas of the great outdoors!

  • 6 drops of Idaho Blue Spruce
  • 2 drops of Wintergreen
  • 2 drops of Eucalyptus Globulus

Autumn Air

Diffuse this yummy little blend on warm fall days to bring some refreshment into your life.

  • 4 drops of Bergamot
  • 3 drops of Lemon
  • 3 drops of Elemi
  • 2 drops of Wintergreen

Spiced Cider

Blended together to smell like the best hot cider.

  • 3 drops of Bergamot
  • 1 drop of Thieves 
  • 1 drops of Ginger

Fall purging

Hometalk.com

 

It’s the same thing as “Spring Cleaning” but just with fall. Out with the old in with the cold (BOOM, just made that up). But seriously. PURGE YOUR THINGS. Go through your closet and get your fall clothes ready and your summer clothes put away. To store my “out with the season” items, I like to use containers. Doing a full clean is nice, refreshing, and helpful to your mental well-being!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Submerge yourself in fall.

Lather those fall smells all over you! Pumpkin Spice this, Apple Cider that. Yum yum yum. Smell like a fucking walking season. SLAY THIS SEASON WITH THOSE SMELLS.

 

Above is a little haul from Bath and Body Works. You should constantly check their website for coupons; they have great sales! Although I must point out the pumpkin wasn’t from B&BW… I convinced my dad to buy it for me at the grocery store; he said I’d forget about it and let it rot away. So here’s to showing my dad I’m actively engaging with the little pumpkin! @dad.

You are a seasoned spring chicken!

I swear to God it’s like October 1st hit and every soul turned into a pumpkin spice human latte. If pumpkin is your jam then indulge. I personally hate pumpkin flavored things so I tend to change it up. I love to indulge in yummy pecan flavored coffees and seasonal donuts.  Learn to love and let go during the holidays. If a little pie will give you a smile today, then eat a little bit of pie damnit.

 

 

You’re probably thinking I’m a dick for encouraging the pie right? I know, I totally am. BUT for those of you who are like “you dumb bitch don’t tempt me”, there are some much healthier food options that you can indulge in as well!

Check out my Pinterest board on healthy eating HERE!

Something as simple as some baked pumpkin seeds with a chicken, broccoli and sweet potato sheet pan dinner!

 

Get in the spirit and read

It’s that time of year where spooky things are fun to read! Entertain yourself with an old or new spooky book this season. If not more! If you’re not one for scary books then maybe you can choose from this link to GoodReads best Autumn Book Lists.

Gone Girl

Dracula

  
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

Pet Sematary

The Halloween Tree

 

Take the time to read a book outside, even if it’s just for 10 minutes. If it’s too hot outside then sit inside but by an outdoor scenery! It is so relaxing and will take your mind elsewhere for awhile. The orchestra from Mother Nature will really help soothe the soul.

 

 

 

 

Fall Decor!

As I’ve said in my previous post “How to Get Yourself Out of A Depression Funk”, changing your decor around can be very important to your mental health. Do you ever feel like your life is becoming Groundhog Day? You come home do the same thing, eat the same thing, watch the same thing in the same place with the same person or pet?! If so then you need change and it can be something as simple as changing your decor around. It’s especially fun to emphasize the seasons into your home change-up! New input into the brain encourages it creatively.

Changing your decor doesn’t have to expensive either. Try changing just a few pillow cases and a blanket up. It’ll do wonders. Shit, even hit the Dollar Tree! They have amazing stuff as well. I’ll list a few cute fall decor things below that are fairly inexpensive!

 

 

 

 

 

“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go” Unknown

 

 

 

Subscribe to get the latest blog posts! Also you can keep up with my crazy self on social media!

 

Instagram

Twitter

Facebook

Pinterest

 

Xx, Kyles

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Learning to be Whole by Yourself

 

The Need.

We look every which way for guidance and direction in life. We fill ourselves with anxiety grasping at the thought that we need someone else in our life for that direction; that purpose. Almost everyone does it. It’s become close to mandatory now, wanting to be with someone that is. The media pushes relationships upon us versus exemplifying individuality and independency. We need to learn to be whole by ourselves.

The Insult

You were born a whole person with a whole brain and a whole heart. YOU were born whole. To depend on someone else to complete you, is to say “fuck you” to all of your innate potential to be an already full entity in this world. That space, that void you’re looking to be filled, it can only be filled by you because it’s within you. Be kind to yourself, filling your gaps liquidly with love. Self love is the root to all love. It allows you the ability to have a healthy mindset. Aside from that, self love looks gorgeous on you. It is so beautiful to see someone so full of love for themselves. The problem is the belief of being incomplete.

Alone

Being Whole by Yourself, Alone Time

Do things ALONE. Learn to love your presence, your company. You are you and that’s what makes this all so beautiful, because you are an individual. Embrace that. Go to fucking lunch with yourself, for yourself, by yourself. Enjoy that shit, man. Get over the fact that you think everyone is staring at you because you’re alone. I promise you, nobody gives a single shit of your alone existence. And if they do, I believe that’s a bigger personal issue for them than it is for you.

 

Your value comes from you

Learn to Fucking Laugh at Yourself

Fun times with Hurricane Irma: 2017

Don’t mistake laughing at yourself as being harsh and critical of yourself. That’s negative shitty behavior, and that’s not the fuck allowed up in here. Laughter at yourself can be a wonder drug. If it’s not hurting you or anyone else then why not give it a good ole chuckle. My life and I are a constant mess but what’s even better is that I don’t have to search for the humor, it’s all in front of me. It’s about perspective, having the right perspective.

 

Desires

Learn what you like. You must find and be aware of your own wants, needs, thoughts, turn ons, turn offs and many other things. Self discovery babyyyyy, it’s quite an adventure. While you’re at it find out your sexual desires. As I said above, turn ons; turn offs. Learn those. What kind of porn do you like? Do you even like porn? Have you tried masturbating? Explore these things. These are all personal, alone type of things. Learn them, love them.

Even if it’s not sex, find what sets your soul on fire. What is your passion? This is something you find upon a self fulfilling journey that no one else other than you can fulfill. It doesn’t have to be a life long passion, it can be something as small as learning to love decorating planners (cough cough, guilty). Some might see that as very odd and others might get the same female boner over it as I do. All in all, it’s your desires- you own that shit!

I highly suggest a workbook to help you work through all of this! This one is perfect and inexpensive.

Just find what rocks your cock, babydoll.

 

You can find me on:

Instagram: @mentalrocknrollsex

Twitter: @SexHealthRnR

Pinterest: Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll

 

 

 

If you liked this post please feel free to click the social media buttons and share!

 

Xx, Kyles

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Rotting From the Inside Out

Note: All photos are from 2016-2017

Rotting from the inside out…

We all use the phrase quite hypothetically.

Usually paired with serious talks about our mental wellbeing and how we feel as though we may be rotting from the inside out. It’s so horrible. So sad.

Now imagine that feeling.

The all encompassing feeling of rotting from the inside out mentally. Now do that while physically rotting from the inside out. This has been my life since I was 14 years old. It started with one colonoscopy my sophomore year in high school and has has carried into more tests than the disability center would allow me to submit. My life consists of doctors appointments, being poked and prodded in every vulnerable spot possible and trying to solve one medical crisis after the next.

                         

It’s not as scary as you’d think.

I find it funny and interesting to be quite honest. Almost as though I don’t have to seek excitement in my life, it seeks me. My body is my excitement. Most of my days are spent thinking “I know this isn’t normal, and I haven’t told anyone about this yet, but I may need to see a doctor for this issue”. Most would have gone to the ER about my issues years prior; but I’ve just had so much going on. You can call it negligence or hard work but I HAD to finish my Bachelors Degree before I dove head into my health issues. I also had so many other health issues compiling I wasn’t able to process the severity of my issues, so I kind of just put things on the back burner to achieve a goal and dream of mine.

People worry for me as though I am dying.

Although some days it feels like I might die (and have somewhat come close a few times) it’s quite interesting to see people’s faces cringe as I tell them broad details of my health battle. It’s not “interesting” in an attention seeking way; it’s more of like a mental statistic on how fucked up people think I am. I honest to God didn’t see how bizarre my health is until I woke up with six incisions, a repaired hiatal hernia, a new esophagus, my stomach wrapped around the esophagus and not being able to move.

I’m not sure how to this works but…

I guess when you’re literally rotting from the inside out, you tend to block out the part where you feel like a molding piece of fruit. You ignore the fact that it’s not normal to not be able to drink water because it feels like pure acid going down or the fact that you throw up more than you piss.

Although I feel like a fruit that rots from within

I am so blessed and thankful for the health that I do have. I can walk, talk and even cuss. Not everyone is able to say they can do those things. I’m attached to medications but not an oxygen tank and a monitor for my oxygen. I am a very blessed girl with a very weird life, and for that I am grateful. It is hard but I am finding myself within myself. I am using my weaknesses to build my strengths in hopes that one day I can pass my attempt at courage on to others.

 

 

Xx, Kyles

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How to Get Yourself Out of a Depression/Funk

Our minds are meant to be kept busy.

Although many of us just want to lay around all day and wait for the funk of depression to pass, unfortunately that is not the way.

-ROUTINES-

I find having a routine (or multiple) is the most important thing when it comes to my mental health. Without a set routine your mind tends to lead to chaos; isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid? If you’re an avid routine abider, like myself, and it has become a monotonous hell; try these tips.

 

Change up your morning routine

Morning routines are so damn important to our lives. As humans we need a sense of structure. Take time to be in the moment. Enjoy your surroundings. This is the time to set the tone for your day. If you already have a kick ass morning routine but feel as though you’re in a rut you may want to mix it up a bit.

  • Change up your coffee; maybe try using a different creamer every time you run out so you can keep a fun variety going!
  • If you use the same mug every morning for your tea, coffee or juice maybe try using a different mug or glass. It’s always fun looking forward to using a cute coffee cup in the morning.
  • Changing where you drink your morning beverage can make the ever so slightest adjustment to the brain; making it work to process the new place you are sitting at now.
  • If you watch the news in the mornings maybe try reading it and vice versa.
  • Changing up your breakfasts can do a world of wonders as well. New healthy foods being put into the body, um hello? FUCK YES!

 

Change up your night routine

If you experience at the end of the day, what feels like Groundhog Day; you have fully mastered your day and night routine. Congratulations! Problem is, your routine has become monotonous and boring. It has in fact become so boring you’re depressed and anxious as fuck. Well guess what? CHAGE YO SHIT UP!

  • Try changing the time you take a shower. So, If you shower before bed maybe try showering right when you get home from work.
  • Change those sheets on your bed. I mean come on… Who the fuck doesn’t get excited over some cute ass new sheets? I mean shit, get yourself some silk sheets and slide around like a waterslide in your sleep.
  • Change up what you have for dinner and maybe even the time you eat it; if your schedule allows you to do so.
  • Instead of lurking Instagram right before you pass out, try reading a book! Seriously… unglue your nosey little eyes and lose your mind for a bit in a good ass book.

 

 

-DECOR-

If you’re a broke ass bitch like myself, there are some cheap simple ways to change up your decor.

The first way is a no money needed task. Rearrange furniture! Once monotony has taken over my space, I will move things around to feel like I’m getting a “fresh start”.

You can also stop at a HomeGoods or a Ross and pick up something as simple as a new throw blanket or a cheap piece of wall art. Succulents are also the titties, so you can always decorate your place with tons of cutie succulents!

Amazon is also my best friend where you can pick up some cheap home organizers!

 

 

-GOALS-

Have something with ALL of your goals on it. Whether that be a picture board of your goals or a list on a piece of paper; it’s important to write them down. The importance of writing your goals down comes from intention. You must have intention when you are setting, going after and achieving your goals. Being intentional assures less mistakes and more success.

Each month I like to sit down and write my monthly goals. These can be personal or business related. This really helps me get a view to determine what exactly I need to be getting done that month. For my long term goals I love having a vision board, consisting of photos of things that I aspire to accomplish in the future. It can be mental health goals or tangible goals, like buying your first car. Pro Tip: if you’re a lazy fuck, like myself, you can also make a vision board on Pinterest.

If you’d like to follow me on Pinterest and see my goals follow the link!

Sex, Mental Health and Rock n Roll Pinterest

 

-ROCK OUT W/ YOUR COCK OUT-

Listen to some music. Go to a concert. Go out dancing with friends. Get laid. Maybe all of the above. You need it. Music is soooo great for the soul.

If you’re stuck at home or simply don’t want to leave the house make it a point to rip those pants off, turn the stereo up and have a dance party in your underwear. For real, enjoy it for fucks sake. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a smart phone that plays your favorite music within seconds. If you find yourself fortunate of having that phone, appreciate it and use it to your mental health advantage.

 

FUNKS & DEPRESSION CYCLES TAKE TIME

Be patient with yourself, but don’t baby yourself as well. Move with intention in life and you will find purpose. Don’t expect to be a spring chicken right after you change what you were doing to get yourself out of a funk. It normally takes time and that’s quite alright. Love yourself enough to carry through, even if it is time consuming. I promise you will see progress.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Blogger Recognition Award

This is so exciting, my FIRST award!

Thank you to

Ashleigh of http://www.wonderlandwarblings.com

&

Crystal of http://www.crysscrafts.com

for nominating me for this Blogger Recognition Award.

The Rules:

1. Thank the blogger that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Write a post to show you were nominated and share your award.
3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
4. Give 2 pieces of advise to new bloggers.
5. Select 15 other bloggers that you would like to give this award to.
6. Let them know they have been nominated, and provide the link to the post that you created.

 

Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll: A brief story

With a bachelors degree in psychology and a minor in cussing I decided to up and quit my job to start this fab blog. Just kidding, The idea of “Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll” started off as a podcast. As I became more ill and had to leave my job I found as though it was very challenging to podcast weekly and get guests etc. As my journey to seeking help for my medical crisis continued the idea of a blog popped into my head. I knew that even on my worst days I could sit down and write. Just write about what I have to say and want to say and no one could tell me otherwise. So with that, I started my blog and here I am rambling.

 

2 Pieces of Advice:

1. Say what you feel: fuck the judgments, fuck what’s “cool” and “hip” right now and go with what YOU want. Don’t lose sight of yourself for the sheer thought of more popularity on your blog. People will love what you write if they know its from the heart.

 

2. Be organized: some days I feel as though my heads going a million miles an hour so I just freak out and crawl up my own ass. Don’t do what I did at first. Write it all out. Get a notebook or an online word doc and write down everything that needs to get done. Goals, tasks, and potential posts. This will help put your mind at ease!

 

 

The Lovely Nominees are:

  1. Emma https://wildflowermind.com
  2. Fear & Faith http://www.fearandfaith.ie
  3. Hayley Beth http://lovehayleybeth.co.uk
  4. Claudia http://www.claudiamorgan.co.uk
  5. Sophia https://sophiaaaxo.com
  6. Molly https://goodgollymisssmolly.wordpress.com
  7. Samantha https://awkwardpenguin95.wixsite.com/mysite
  8. Katie https://www.brewingupstyle.com
  9. Corisa https://linktr.ee/fennelandfir
  10. Currently, Lately https://currentlylately.com
  11. Revathy http://thearistochic.com
  12. Magaly https://jetplanemommy.com
  13. Heather https://therawbrunette.wordpress.com
  14. Meghan http://vivadivine.co
  15. Sunlight of the Mind https://sunlightofthemind.com/
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A Letter to my Drug Addict Mom

be· tray· al

bəˈtrāəl,bēˈtrāəl

Noun: The action of betraying one’s country, a group, or a person.

Synonyms: Disloyalty, treachery, bad faith, faithlessness, falseness.

I would love to say “Dear mom”, but I’m not quite sure you deserve the title of “mom” anymore. No offense, but you’re not much of one.

 

I once respected the mother you were until I was in 7th grade and you took a plunge toward rock-bottom. We all hit rock bottom, but we don’t all abandon our children. You missed my first homecoming, my first high school soccer game, my first prom but most importantly you missed my growth.

You missed it all.

You didn’t teach me to put a tampon in, another friend had to because you wouldn’t answer your phone. That bomb ass contour I can do? Ya, I learned that from YouTube after I learned most of my other “girly” habits. Learning to separate my loads of laundry came from my friends moms who took your place while you were gone. Let me rephrase, you’re still gone.

Your habits costed me my sanity.

The time has come. You relapsed again. Am I shocked? Eh. Am I surprised? Absolutely not. It’s been roughly 5-6 years since I have seen you in this state. It has been exactly that long since I’ve watched you nod off mid sentence and get calls  about you not showing up for work again. I thought you would have learned the first time. You lost everything, even me.

I do not and will not ever understand your ability to drop it all just for a fix. Call it a disease or an illness; I don’t give a fuck. Whatever name you decide to label yourself with, you’re still selfish.

I had surgery the other day

You didn’t even call to wish me good luck. They gave me 6 incisions to do a double surgery on my stomach. It took about 4 hours. While my father anxiously waited in the waiting room of the cold hospital, you were probably snorting another Xanax you stole from my purse. I didn’t get a text from you until the next day. All I got was a “Bitmoji” saying “I LOVE YOU”. You’re disgusting, and fuck your “Bitmoji” too.

I wish more than anything I could have my mother take care of me while I recover from this horrible surgery, but I know you would just steal my pain medications; as you’ve done in the past. I don’t think a pill can ever numb the damage you’re doing to yourself and me.

I told you NEVER again, & I thought you understood that.

I told you if you ever relapsed the way you did before you would no longer have a daughter, a grandchild, a son-in-law, etc. You would have nothing. I guess that doesn’t scare you as much as it scares me.

I hate to say this, but I have to go.

You’re an adult and I’m done acting like the mom. I’ve worried about you like a mother worries about a child since I was 11 years old. My stomach is worn down and my tears are nearly exhausted. It’s been 12 years of constant worrying, and I’m sorry but I just can’t do this anymore. I love you because you are my mom but I hate you because you don’t not take ownership of being a mom.

You still act like the past is in the past.

But the reality of it is, you leaving on a drug binge is my past which affected my future. I don’t flaunt my past nor do I hide it. I know it’s not my fault you’re a belligerent party foul, but it’s embarrassing being related to someone who is. You leaving before, was a blip in your past, whereas with me it was my childhood.

I can’t believe you have the audacity to repeat my childhood.

You’re doing it again and I hope you regret with every ounce in you; just like I regret letting you back into my heart. It’s sad I have to say such negative things about you, but for once someone isn’t blurring the truth.

 

I hope this drug binge gives you the satisfaction

you’re looking for, but I hope I don’t find you dead.

XX, The kid that came out of you.

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Live Journaling

Let a journal prompt take you on a journey, here’s mine:

“What is your relationship with sadness? Do you see it as a necessary component to life or try to avoid it at all costs? Do you find sadness beautiful or as a moment of happiness you’ll never get back?”

 

Sadness finds me quite well, although I do not seek its attention. There are many levels and variations to sadness. Sadness, to me, has a purpose. You know why you are sad. Whereas with depression, you don’t always know. It’s not to say the two aren’t similar, but I can distinguish between the two quite well. The coexistence of depression & sadness are quite often, although depression seems to rule my life, whereas sadness is just in the background.

To feel is a privilege.

Not many people understand that but I was one of the unfortunate ones that had to learn the hard way. Although sadness is not great, it’s an emotion. Emotions are beautiful. To be able to feel is such a gift. I know you may be like, “why in the fuck would sadness be a gift?”. To be quite frank, it wasn’t until I felt nothing at all that taught me this lesson.

I was a sophomore in college when this occurred. This is the first time I truly experienced how deep and dark my depression could be. I’m not sure exactly what triggered it, but I vividly remember the misery of emptiness.

Nothing I did could stimulate my mind.

Absolutely nothing. Not even sex or working out. I spent almost a week not sleeping. I shit you not, a total week of no REM sleep. I was delusional and sick. One of my professors actually questioned if I was using drugs. It was awful. During that time and for quite awhile after, I felt absolutely nothing. I was not happy nor was I sad. I had nothing to say but at the same time wanted to tell someone everything; but, I just didn’t know where or how to start. It’s like I was constantly brain locked. It almost felt as though a literal element of myself was missing.

Not feeling is very powerful.

To have nothing stimulate your mind is very disturbing in ways I can’t even put into words. I remember the only thing I could feel was physical pain, but because I was not moving much there wasn’t much pain to follow. Until one day. My bones began just aching. Every part of me aching, almost as though I was ran over by a truck. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I hurt so fucking bad. After hours of laying in bed and dwelling, I finally had the energy to take a shower.

I could barely move my bones ached so bad.

I remember thinking, “this is the first thing I’ve felt in awhile”. I finally made it to the restroom, undressed and got into the shower. I turned the shower to almost scorching and  I let it run on my head down onto my back. I was standing facing the drain. I could see the water, in detail, swirling down into the drain. At that exact moment, I felt as though I was the water. That this was an actual representation of how my life was about to go. For some very very very odd reason, I felt a deep connection to that swirling down the shower drain water.

I stood there with the water running on my head for about 30 minutes. It felt like a movie scene where the girl gets her heart broken and just stands in the shower all sad and shit. Except I was numb. I was unbelievably numb my bones ached all the way from my teeth to my toes.

I hadn’t cried in weeks.

I just couldn’t, I could feel nothing. There was absolutely nothing that made me cry. I remember my great aunt passed away during this time and I barely shed a tear. I was just numb. Not even death could make me feel something again, and that scared the shit out of me.

After over a year of complete numbness I got on medication.

Although I was not happy about getting on medication, it saved my life. Absolutely nothing I did would change that numbness and to help bring my head out my ass, a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor was definitely needed. I can remember the day the medications started working. A few weeks after taking them consistently, out of nowhere it felt like the seas had parted and my head had been pulled out of my ass. I could feel little bits and pieces of life again.

It did not make me “normal”, it made life doable.

That night that I felt the meds begin working I collapsed to my floor and cried my heart out. This is the first time in over a year I had felt so many emotions, especially all at once. I was happy, I was tired, I was sad, I was emotional, I was just about every emotion there was.

 

So, to answer the question;

Yes, I find as though sadness is a very necessary component to life. Going without feeling over a year will change you for good. It will make you realize the beauty in sadness and the necessity to feel to emotions. Sadness to me is beautiful. We would not know happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness. We would not know gratitude if sadness didn’t sweep us off of our feet some days or another. Sadness, in a way, sharpens our senses. It makes us aware of what we do and do not want. Sadness brings us deeper within ourselves than we would ever want to go, and that alone is necessary.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Living with Multiple Mental Illnesses: My Daily Essentials

Having a mental illness(es) is a real bitch, isn’t it?

 

I personally struggle with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and ADD. With this madness all up in my brain I have to somehow find a way to function. Below are my personal essentials for living with these illnesses and why.

 

1. Having a Routine

   I find as though that this is the most important thing for me. Without having my routines I’m totally lost. My mind feels chaotic and I end up getting nothing done while hating myself. You want to get stuff done, even if you hate yourself at the end. I mean hey, at least you got stuff done.

Having a routine provides a sort of structure and familiarity. The point is to have order and organization in your life to keep a level head (as much as possible). Structure provides direction (or at least a sense of it) in your life. Essentially having a routine provides the framework for our day. It’s one less thing the brain, that is already struggling, has to process.

Having a routine also reduces the need for willpower. I’m sure many of you are familiar with this but, you have no energy what so ever most days. When creating a routine and schedule this helps the mind not think of your daily tasks as a “willpower” type of thing. It becomes instilled as a habit versus a chore or a task.

For myself personally, I like to have a morning, day & night routine.

Here’s an example of my morning routine:

  • Set about 9 alarms between 7:00-7:30am that way by 7:30 I have hated myself enough to finally roll out of bed and shut my alarm up for good.
  • At this point I probably realize “oh shit, I’m about to piss myself” and run to the restroom with my tiny overactive bladder and take a nice long piss.
  • After my glorious piss (and I know y’all know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about so don’t even try and be grossed out right now) I wash my hands. After washing my hands I put on some music and TURN THE FUCK UP. Just kidding. I begin my skin care routine. This includes washing my face and hydrating it.
  • From there I pour myself a nice cup of coffee with some yummy creamer and let my dog outside. I love to go outside and sit for about 30 minutes in the morning, drink my coffee and read. And by read I mean check my social media. But try and read because checking your social media in the morning isn’t good for you. I’m just a rule breaker and love to self sabotage.
  • After running to the restroom 6 times and finishing my coffee I love to have a good yoga or meditation session. Right now I am currently doing 30 Days of Yoga on YouTube, so that’s when I will do my daily yoga. Just beware, if you have a 5cm hole in your diaphragm like I do, downward dog will fuck you up acid reflux wise so TAKE YOUR MEDS!
  • After my yoga session (from home don’t judge me) I take a shower. After showering I cook myself a nice hearty and healthy breakfast to begin my day.

When planning your routines, you can start off with just a morning one then work your way to a night one. There are plenty of blogs and videos on YouTube showing different routines that you can produce ideas from. I highly suggest writing this routine down and being as descriptive as possible when doing so. This helps the brain break down your tasks more easily.

2. Essential Oils

   When I first began going to my most recent counselor in September of 2016 she had mentioned to me essential oils for my anxiety and depression. I’m not even going to blow steam up your ass; I thought it was a bunch of shit. Although I studied the olfactory system and how powerful it is when I was in college, there was no way something other than Xanax could mellow out my riddled self.

  Here is how essential oils actually does calm your riddled anxiety ridden, depressed sleeping self. I personally love to diffuse my oils. During inhalation of the essential oil (and no you don’t huff it you fucking junky you) the odor molecules travel through the nasal canal into your brain which in turn effect multiple receptor sites. One of these receptor sites is your limbic system, or referred to as the “emotional brain”. The limbic system supports a variety of functions such as long term memory, stress levels, blood pressure, breathing levels and many other important functions that factor into our daily lives. Moral of the story the essential oils work.

   Depending on the blend it can help calm your mind, energize it or even help you sleep. You can simply purchase a diffuser from Amazon.com for under $20. The tricky part is the oils. This where you want QUALITY. Quality is so important because you know it is not “cut” with anything else, or diluted. If it’s diluted then you’re getting ripped off and don’t need that in your life. Doterra and Young Living are the two main brands I like for my oils. They are a bit pricey but SO WORTH IT.

     HACK: If you don’t know if you will like the smell since you are ordering online, you can always order the cheap version through amazon and see how you like it. Just because it’s not as high of a quality doesn’t mean it won’t work. It just won’t work as well.

 

3. Taking Your Medications at the Same Time

   This is SUPER important and people don’t realize this. Your body gets into a routine and by throwing it for a loop chemically can really damage your mental well-being.

    If you’re anything like me you can’t remember anything, so here are some reminder tips:

  • Set a nightly alarm, or 20.
  • Write it everywhere to remind yourself.
  • Buy the AM and PM pill dividers so you can keep track of when you have and haven’t taken your medications.

 

4. I FUCKING LOVE PLANNING

   I get a real female hard on for planning. Like who doesn’t like cute stickers and sticky notes to remind you to go get a pap by your bitchy gyno? I like to call the process of planning, “Pimp My Planner”. The benefits of this is organization and expectations for the week/month. In my planner I include all of my doctors appointments and blogging posts. I also love to decorate it with washi tape. You can take a blah looking planner and turn it into your own in a matter of minutes. It’s a way to keep your life organized in style.

5. To-Do Lists

THESE ARE ESSENTIAL. Every night before I go to bed I draft up a to-do list for the next morning. Some people prefer making their lists in the morning and that’s totally fine as well. To-do lists help your mind break down what actually needs to get done. It also keeps your from stressing about doing things. I always am adding and scratching things off during the day. You can do this in your planner or if your lists are more extensive you can get a notebook for these types of things. You can also decorate your to-do lists with washi tape and other pretty things.

 

6. Set a Bedtime and Wake-up Time

This helps regulate your body and mind. You want to regulate your body in any way that you can to help it keep functioning. I like to go to bed around 10:00-10:30pm and wake up around 7:30am. I can personally say this change from waking up whenever, to a strict schedule has been amazing. At first it seems very daunting and dreadful, but it’s actually quite lovely. It also helps ensure you’re getting more than enough sleep needed. When having any sort of illness, physical or mental, you want to make sure your body is getting enough rest.

 

7. Be Honest as Shit with Your Loved Ones

It is SO important to tell your friends and family the type of state that you are in. Especially when things get bad. Don’t be afraid of judgment, if they judge you FUCK THEM. You’re on this journey for YOU and you want as many people backing you as possible. I personally have a go to person when things get bad. I let that person know that they’re essentially my “I’m fucked” buddy and she was so OK with it. Have a friend like that. It’s quite necessary to have people in your life that you can count on. This give your mind a sense of security. If you don’t have people you can rely on there are counseling services as well as apps and online forums that you can discuss your problems.

 

Be true to yourself. Push those in the way aside and always remember, healing is not a linear path.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Riddles Within Me

 

Before my eyes even pop open my heart begins racing. It races in a way that is all to familiar to me. It’s happening… Again… I don’t know why I keep saying “again” as if it isn’t an everyday thing. Accept it. But don’t let it consume you. Grasp it but don’t let it grasp you.

There’s so many stipulations that I didn’t even ask for. How in the fuck did my mind crawl this far up my ass and riddle me with these feelings that I can’t even mentally process. In attempt to process I go through every step. Every movement & every task is methodically thought out and listed in my head. Do I do this consciously? No. My heart starts thumping harder. I can’t stop it. I’m shaking.

I can’t process it. What is IT that is causing my mind to race like this. To break down every aspect of my life but to not be able to understand any of it. It’s like my mind is locked but at the same time it is running to quickly.

Sweat bleeds through my shirt. FUCK. The shirt has been on less than ten minutes. How is this possible? How am I capable of manipulating my body with my brain subconsciously. I was capable of a college degree why am I not capable of acting like a NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN.

I usually observe others when I am alone, which in fact is a lot. I like to be alone. It quiets my mind a bit more. Gives me a little less to process. I watch how others act and interact with one another. I’m curious to see what it’s like to do and act without thinking about every step. I admire these people. Going through life with such bliss, what an amazing thought.

I constantly try to process how I let my mind take over my thoughts and abilities. I’m not angry at myself per say, just confused and frustrated. At what point did I lose my mind? Yes, losing your mind is a process; but I want to know when that process began. Curiosity lingers in my mind. Not in a educational and informational way either; but in a daunting manner. It’s misery at best. A type of misery that only I can feel. It’s like having the worst super power ever. Nobody can know you are riddled within but you damn well are and you pull that shit off well.

My skin is raw. My arms, my upper legs, my face. I can’t stop. It stops my obsessive thoughts. I pick blemish by blemish. “Stop picking or you’ll scar like that”. Others don’t feel what I feel in my head and that’s to rid the blemish. The others were right. It scars me but I still can’t stop the thought process of banishing the blemish myself. It’s compulsive, but it’s where I am content.

Sound bothers me but so does stillness. I’d like to live where I could put life on mute. Just like what I do with the TV. I don’t usually like the TV unless it’s on mute. To much stimulation, too many tones of voices. It hurts. Physically hurts. Voices begin to sound like nails down a chalkboard after awhile.

Can you guess where you’re at? That’s right, my anxiety ridden mind.

xx , Kyles

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