Fall Essentials for Your Mental Health

-Seasons are changing-

As the seasons change, so can our mental well-being. While the months wear on from bright sunny summer days to darker, colder and shorter days it’s good to mentally asses your well-being and have a seasonal adaptation plan! I know this may sound silly, but the seasons really can affect our mental health and it’s so important to be aware of that.

 

 

 

 

 

Below are some mental health essentials for the coming season!

Fall Essentials for a Happy Mind

 

Take a walk

This is little foot: little foot has a sibling ‘little hand’ that you will eventually meet. Little foot likes to take long walks with me.

 

Little foot taking a stroll with my dog

While the temperature drops to a somewhat comfortable degree, it is the perfect time to take advantage nature. Nature’s impact on mental health is incredible! Environments can increase or decrease our stress. Research has revealed that being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature reduces anger, fear and stress which intern increases pleasant feelings. Not only is nature great for your mental well-being, it’s great your physical wellness as well. That in turn helps with your mental health and it’s just a full cycle of goody goodness.

 

 

 

 

Little foot going on an outdoor climb!

 

 

Interestingly enough, Daniel Goleman suggests that our time in nature or scenes of nature increases our ability to pay attention. Another study by Andrea Taylor on children with ADHD shows that time spent in nature increases their attention span.

 

 

Needless to say it’s very clear that nature is a great way to boost your mental well-being!

 

Find some yummy scents!

If someone asked me what my favorite part about fall is, I’d tell you the smells. OH MY GOD THE SMELLS!!!!!!!!!. Everything smells so good. Pumpkin Pecan this, Warm Vanilla that. It’s literal heaven on earth. Scents can enhance your olfactory system (the system that helps you smell) which will then boost your mental well-being. Find your smell!!!!! I personally hate Pumpkin flavored food but love Pumpkin scented things. Play around with it, find what you like and burn that candle!!

-OR-

Find some lovely seasonal essential oils! Essential oils are so good for us mentally and physically. Essential oils are famously known for helping treat a wide variety of ailments; mental and physical. I can genuinely say essential oils have really helped and have worked for me. I personally use YoungLiving due to their Seed to Seal policy. This is a company promise ensuring quality guaranteed during their extensive process. This means that they test the product before and after making it to ensure pureness. (I can do a whole blog post on this later).

 

If you’re interested in signing up for YoungLiving you can go through myself!

Register here–> YoungLiving Sign Up and use member #: 12674381

OR send an email to mentalrocknrollsex@gmail.com with an order request!

 

Here are some fall DIY essential oil blends:

Changing Leaves

This scent is meant to bring together the amazing aromas of the great outdoors!

  • 6 drops of Idaho Blue Spruce
  • 2 drops of Wintergreen
  • 2 drops of Eucalyptus Globulus

Autumn Air

Diffuse this yummy little blend on warm fall days to bring some refreshment into your life.

  • 4 drops of Bergamot
  • 3 drops of Lemon
  • 3 drops of Elemi
  • 2 drops of Wintergreen

Spiced Cider

Blended together to smell like the best hot cider.

  • 3 drops of Bergamot
  • 1 drop of Thieves 
  • 1 drops of Ginger

Fall purging

Hometalk.com

 

It’s the same thing as “Spring Cleaning” but just with fall. Out with the old in with the cold (BOOM, just made that up). But seriously. PURGE YOUR THINGS. Go through your closet and get your fall clothes ready and your summer clothes put away. To store my “out with the season” items, I like to use containers. Doing a full clean is nice, refreshing, and helpful to your mental well-being!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Submerge yourself in fall.

Lather those fall smells all over you! Pumpkin Spice this, Apple Cider that. Yum yum yum. Smell like a fucking walking season. SLAY THIS SEASON WITH THOSE SMELLS.

 

Above is a little haul from Bath and Body Works. You should constantly check their website for coupons; they have great sales! Although I must point out the pumpkin wasn’t from B&BW… I convinced my dad to buy it for me at the grocery store; he said I’d forget about it and let it rot away. So here’s to showing my dad I’m actively engaging with the little pumpkin! @dad.

You are a seasoned spring chicken!

I swear to God it’s like October 1st hit and every soul turned into a pumpkin spice human latte. If pumpkin is your jam then indulge. I personally hate pumpkin flavored things so I tend to change it up. I love to indulge in yummy pecan flavored coffees and seasonal donuts.  Learn to love and let go during the holidays. If a little pie will give you a smile today, then eat a little bit of pie damnit.

 

 

You’re probably thinking I’m a dick for encouraging the pie right? I know, I totally am. BUT for those of you who are like “you dumb bitch don’t tempt me”, there are some much healthier food options that you can indulge in as well!

Check out my Pinterest board on healthy eating HERE!

Something as simple as some baked pumpkin seeds with a chicken, broccoli and sweet potato sheet pan dinner!

 

Get in the spirit and read

It’s that time of year where spooky things are fun to read! Entertain yourself with an old or new spooky book this season. If not more! If you’re not one for scary books then maybe you can choose from this link to GoodReads best Autumn Book Lists.

Gone Girl

Dracula

  
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

Pet Sematary

The Halloween Tree

 

Take the time to read a book outside, even if it’s just for 10 minutes. If it’s too hot outside then sit inside but by an outdoor scenery! It is so relaxing and will take your mind elsewhere for awhile. The orchestra from Mother Nature will really help soothe the soul.

 

 

 

 

Fall Decor!

As I’ve said in my previous post “How to Get Yourself Out of A Depression Funk”, changing your decor around can be very important to your mental health. Do you ever feel like your life is becoming Groundhog Day? You come home do the same thing, eat the same thing, watch the same thing in the same place with the same person or pet?! If so then you need change and it can be something as simple as changing your decor around. It’s especially fun to emphasize the seasons into your home change-up! New input into the brain encourages it creatively.

Changing your decor doesn’t have to expensive either. Try changing just a few pillow cases and a blanket up. It’ll do wonders. Shit, even hit the Dollar Tree! They have amazing stuff as well. I’ll list a few cute fall decor things below that are fairly inexpensive!

 

 

 

 

 

“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go” Unknown

 

 

 

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Xx, Kyles

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Answers About Sex You Were too Afraid to Ask!

 

-Sex shouldn’t be hard discuss-

Sense it’s apparently so hard to talk about sex openly without getting shamed, here are answers to some things you may be too embarrassed to ask.

 

I can’t have an orgasm with penetration. Is something wrong with me?

Nah man, you’re good. It’s quite normal actually. It’s estimated that approximately 70% of women can’t climax during penetration. Is it mental or is it physical? Well… it can be one, the other or both. Learn to “let go” in your mind. Fully be present and enjoy the moment. As for physical, sometimes you need some stimulation to the clitoral region. You may need to just find your right spot. And even if you don’t ever happen to cum from penetration, then that’s ok. As long as you’re enjoying it, that’s what matters.

 

Does the wang wang size really matter?!

Fuck no. It’s about what suites you (size and style wise- hehe that rhymed). Sometimes dudes with the “not so big” penis’ satisfy waaaay better. Try different positions. Find what your pussy likes for that particular dick. To each their own.

 

Is my birth control affecting my sex drive?

This varies from person to person! This is all about your genetics and how you’re made, essentially. Some women experience side effects where other women don’t at all. Your healthcare provider can usually help you narrow down what you’re experiencing and if it’s an affect from your selected birth control. It is definitely possible though! If you find your birth control is not working for you, such as mood swings or temperamental bleeding, you should switch immediately.

 

Yo, did I just break your dick?

Can you break a dick? Kind of sort of. The penis is not a bone but you can fracture it. This fracture is not the same as an arm fracture though. It’s called a “penile fracture” and happens when the penis experiences excessive force. Occasionally the male may need a procedure if it is fractured bad enough. This can be confirmed in X-rays through doctors at the hospital! If it is that badly fractured, it usually entails immediate surgery but after you’re fine.

 

I feel like I’m going to pee on him! WHY?!

That’s good! What that means is that your G Spot in being hit correctly. Obviously you want to make sure it’s a healthy urge. Purge your bladder before and after sex. Not releasing urine after sex can lead to both yeast and urinary tract infections. But take my word for it, you won’t piss on him unless your bladder is actually full; which you’d know before he stuck his dick in you!

 

Uhh, what was that fart sound coming out of my pussy?!

Welcome to the queef club, motherfucker. This happens when the penis, or an object pumps air into the vaginal canal and it gets trapped. The air pressure builds up, leading to your unfortunate fart sound. I don’t understand why people get so grossed out over this, grow up and get over it. It’s not a fart, not even close. Farts are bacteria being released in the form as gas where as a queef is just air.

 

Is the smell normal?

Probably, yes. Unless you smell something super duper foul it’s most likely just “sex smell”. Sex smell is the combination of body fluids combining to make one smell. How yum, haha. However, if it smells fishy call your GYNO ASAP!

 

Am I addicted to porn?

I don’t know, are you?

 

Does having a “big” vagina mean you’re a ‘slut’?

Vaginal size is all dependent on the person and their genetic make-up. Vaginas are elastic but doesn’t mean you have to be born with a “small set vagina”.  Mean Girls says it best:

Someone wrote in that book that I’m lying about being a virgin cause’ I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!”.

Source: Google

 

I hope this post was helpful and answered some of your questions. If you have anymore questions, please feel free to email me! I love getting emails from you guys and I’m always happy to share stories!

mentalrocknrollsex@gmail.com

 

Feel free to reach out to me on social media!

 

Facebook!

Instagram!

Twitter!

Pinterest!

 

 

Don’t forget to share on pinterest!

Xx, Kyles

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Learning to be Whole by Yourself

 

The Need.

We look every which way for guidance and direction in life. We fill ourselves with anxiety grasping at the thought that we need someone else in our life for that direction; that purpose. Almost everyone does it. It’s become close to mandatory now, wanting to be with someone that is. The media pushes relationships upon us versus exemplifying individuality and independency. We need to learn to be whole by ourselves.

The Insult

You were born a whole person with a whole brain and a whole heart. YOU were born whole. To depend on someone else to complete you, is to say “fuck you” to all of your innate potential to be an already full entity in this world. That space, that void you’re looking to be filled, it can only be filled by you because it’s within you. Be kind to yourself, filling your gaps liquidly with love. Self love is the root to all love. It allows you the ability to have a healthy mindset. Aside from that, self love looks gorgeous on you. It is so beautiful to see someone so full of love for themselves. The problem is the belief of being incomplete.

Alone

Being Whole by Yourself, Alone Time

Do things ALONE. Learn to love your presence, your company. You are you and that’s what makes this all so beautiful, because you are an individual. Embrace that. Go to fucking lunch with yourself, for yourself, by yourself. Enjoy that shit, man. Get over the fact that you think everyone is staring at you because you’re alone. I promise you, nobody gives a single shit of your alone existence. And if they do, I believe that’s a bigger personal issue for them than it is for you.

 

Your value comes from you

Learn to Fucking Laugh at Yourself

Fun times with Hurricane Irma: 2017

Don’t mistake laughing at yourself as being harsh and critical of yourself. That’s negative shitty behavior, and that’s not the fuck allowed up in here. Laughter at yourself can be a wonder drug. If it’s not hurting you or anyone else then why not give it a good ole chuckle. My life and I are a constant mess but what’s even better is that I don’t have to search for the humor, it’s all in front of me. It’s about perspective, having the right perspective.

 

Desires

Learn what you like. You must find and be aware of your own wants, needs, thoughts, turn ons, turn offs and many other things. Self discovery babyyyyy, it’s quite an adventure. While you’re at it find out your sexual desires. As I said above, turn ons; turn offs. Learn those. What kind of porn do you like? Do you even like porn? Have you tried masturbating? Explore these things. These are all personal, alone type of things. Learn them, love them.

Even if it’s not sex, find what sets your soul on fire. What is your passion? This is something you find upon a self fulfilling journey that no one else other than you can fulfill. It doesn’t have to be a life long passion, it can be something as small as learning to love decorating planners (cough cough, guilty). Some might see that as very odd and others might get the same female boner over it as I do. All in all, it’s your desires- you own that shit!

I highly suggest a workbook to help you work through all of this! This one is perfect and inexpensive.

Just find what rocks your cock, babydoll.

 

You can find me on:

Instagram: @mentalrocknrollsex

Twitter: @SexHealthRnR

Pinterest: Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll

 

 

 

If you liked this post please feel free to click the social media buttons and share!

 

Xx, Kyles

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ColourPop Makeup Haul/Review

ColourPop Haul & Review

Packaging

 

love getting ColourPop packages because they ALWAYS look so damn cute! From their box to their individual product packaging, it is well thought out and adorable. Aside from packaging, they are so affordable. This whole haul was under $40. That’s literally magical considering their great quality and fast shipping.

Yes, Please! Shadow Palette

 

I’m going to be bluntly honest- I am AMAZED at how great this palette is, formula wise. I have pressed powders from ColourPop and they’re great; I just wasn’t expecting their palette to be that much better. This palette is one you can use essentially every single day and still have new looks. You can go for a dark look or a bright look.

In this photo I went with a sunset eye. All colors are from this palette. The pigmentation is literally insane. One swipe and that’s all you need on your brush. I love how the palette has multiple colors to set your eye so you can go with either a dark or a lighter more highlighted eye.

No Filter, Concealer

 

This concealer literally gives me life. I shit you not. LIFE PEOPLE, LIFE. I was a bit skeptical at first! $6 for a concealer… hmmmmm. NO THAT SHIT IS BOMB. Not only does it stand up to its name of a “No Filter” concealer, it is lightweight but full coverage. The wand is the perfect size for precision. I literally gave my friend this concealer because she loved it so much, I was like yes girl I’ll order a new one; I got you. So yeah, do yourself a favor and spend the best $6 of your life. I promise you won’t regret it. I also love the fact that they have a quiz you can take so you know which concealer color to order!

Liquid Lips

Hutch and Petit Four are both Ultra Satin Lips whereas Take Five is an Ultra Matte Lip.

Petit Four takes about 2-3 coats to get the super dark blue/grey color but it does not feel cakey what so ever. It glides on very nicely as well. Although it looks like a weird grey blue it’s actually very wearable with the right outfit and makeup!

Hutch is the shit man, I swear. It’s PERFECT for Fall and it doesn’t dry your lips out like some of the Ultra Matte Lips do!! With two coats you’re ready to blend in with the vampires.

I have never had so many damn questions about a lip color in my life. Take Five is a beautiful luscious pink color that glides right on. Although it is an Ultra Matte Lip, the formula is NOT drying at all. You can see in the selfie above this exact color on my lips!

 

I would highly recommend any one of these colors: and the best part is they’re beautiful for all skin tones.

 

Shock Shadow & Cheek

 

The formula for the Shock Shadow and Shock Cheek is literally the trippiest thing ever. The first time I tried a shock highlight I about peed sprinkles I was so happy and curious at the same time. It literally feels like butter. Although it has that buttery texture it doesn’t make your skin oily.

The shock shadows specifically give a lot of pigmentation and are super fun colors to play around with.

 

 

All together

ColourPop is so worth at least a try!

 

Xx, Kyles

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Rotting From the Inside Out

Note: All photos are from 2016-2017

Rotting from the inside out…

We all use the phrase quite hypothetically.

Usually paired with serious talks about our mental wellbeing and how we feel as though we may be rotting from the inside out. It’s so horrible. So sad.

Now imagine that feeling.

The all encompassing feeling of rotting from the inside out mentally. Now do that while physically rotting from the inside out. This has been my life since I was 14 years old. It started with one colonoscopy my sophomore year in high school and has has carried into more tests than the disability center would allow me to submit. My life consists of doctors appointments, being poked and prodded in every vulnerable spot possible and trying to solve one medical crisis after the next.

                         

It’s not as scary as you’d think.

I find it funny and interesting to be quite honest. Almost as though I don’t have to seek excitement in my life, it seeks me. My body is my excitement. Most of my days are spent thinking “I know this isn’t normal, and I haven’t told anyone about this yet, but I may need to see a doctor for this issue”. Most would have gone to the ER about my issues years prior; but I’ve just had so much going on. You can call it negligence or hard work but I HAD to finish my Bachelors Degree before I dove head into my health issues. I also had so many other health issues compiling I wasn’t able to process the severity of my issues, so I kind of just put things on the back burner to achieve a goal and dream of mine.

People worry for me as though I am dying.

Although some days it feels like I might die (and have somewhat come close a few times) it’s quite interesting to see people’s faces cringe as I tell them broad details of my health battle. It’s not “interesting” in an attention seeking way; it’s more of like a mental statistic on how fucked up people think I am. I honest to God didn’t see how bizarre my health is until I woke up with six incisions, a repaired hiatal hernia, a new esophagus, my stomach wrapped around the esophagus and not being able to move.

I’m not sure how to this works but…

I guess when you’re literally rotting from the inside out, you tend to block out the part where you feel like a molding piece of fruit. You ignore the fact that it’s not normal to not be able to drink water because it feels like pure acid going down or the fact that you throw up more than you piss.

Although I feel like a fruit that rots from within

I am so blessed and thankful for the health that I do have. I can walk, talk and even cuss. Not everyone is able to say they can do those things. I’m attached to medications but not an oxygen tank and a monitor for my oxygen. I am a very blessed girl with a very weird life, and for that I am grateful. It is hard but I am finding myself within myself. I am using my weaknesses to build my strengths in hopes that one day I can pass my attempt at courage on to others.

 

 

Xx, Kyles

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How to Get Yourself Out of a Depression/Funk

Our minds are meant to be kept busy.

Although many of us just want to lay around all day and wait for the funk of depression to pass, unfortunately that is not the way.

-ROUTINES-

I find having a routine (or multiple) is the most important thing when it comes to my mental health. Without a set routine your mind tends to lead to chaos; isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid? If you’re an avid routine abider, like myself, and it has become a monotonous hell; try these tips.

 

Change up your morning routine

Morning routines are so damn important to our lives. As humans we need a sense of structure. Take time to be in the moment. Enjoy your surroundings. This is the time to set the tone for your day. If you already have a kick ass morning routine but feel as though you’re in a rut you may want to mix it up a bit.

  • Change up your coffee; maybe try using a different creamer every time you run out so you can keep a fun variety going!
  • If you use the same mug every morning for your tea, coffee or juice maybe try using a different mug or glass. It’s always fun looking forward to using a cute coffee cup in the morning.
  • Changing where you drink your morning beverage can make the ever so slightest adjustment to the brain; making it work to process the new place you are sitting at now.
  • If you watch the news in the mornings maybe try reading it and vice versa.
  • Changing up your breakfasts can do a world of wonders as well. New healthy foods being put into the body, um hello? FUCK YES!

 

Change up your night routine

If you experience at the end of the day, what feels like Groundhog Day; you have fully mastered your day and night routine. Congratulations! Problem is, your routine has become monotonous and boring. It has in fact become so boring you’re depressed and anxious as fuck. Well guess what? CHAGE YO SHIT UP!

  • Try changing the time you take a shower. So, If you shower before bed maybe try showering right when you get home from work.
  • Change those sheets on your bed. I mean come on… Who the fuck doesn’t get excited over some cute ass new sheets? I mean shit, get yourself some silk sheets and slide around like a waterslide in your sleep.
  • Change up what you have for dinner and maybe even the time you eat it; if your schedule allows you to do so.
  • Instead of lurking Instagram right before you pass out, try reading a book! Seriously… unglue your nosey little eyes and lose your mind for a bit in a good ass book.

 

 

-DECOR-

If you’re a broke ass bitch like myself, there are some cheap simple ways to change up your decor.

The first way is a no money needed task. Rearrange furniture! Once monotony has taken over my space, I will move things around to feel like I’m getting a “fresh start”.

You can also stop at a HomeGoods or a Ross and pick up something as simple as a new throw blanket or a cheap piece of wall art. Succulents are also the titties, so you can always decorate your place with tons of cutie succulents!

Amazon is also my best friend where you can pick up some cheap home organizers!

 

 

-GOALS-

Have something with ALL of your goals on it. Whether that be a picture board of your goals or a list on a piece of paper; it’s important to write them down. The importance of writing your goals down comes from intention. You must have intention when you are setting, going after and achieving your goals. Being intentional assures less mistakes and more success.

Each month I like to sit down and write my monthly goals. These can be personal or business related. This really helps me get a view to determine what exactly I need to be getting done that month. For my long term goals I love having a vision board, consisting of photos of things that I aspire to accomplish in the future. It can be mental health goals or tangible goals, like buying your first car. Pro Tip: if you’re a lazy fuck, like myself, you can also make a vision board on Pinterest.

If you’d like to follow me on Pinterest and see my goals follow the link!

Sex, Mental Health and Rock n Roll Pinterest

 

-ROCK OUT W/ YOUR COCK OUT-

Listen to some music. Go to a concert. Go out dancing with friends. Get laid. Maybe all of the above. You need it. Music is soooo great for the soul.

If you’re stuck at home or simply don’t want to leave the house make it a point to rip those pants off, turn the stereo up and have a dance party in your underwear. For real, enjoy it for fucks sake. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a smart phone that plays your favorite music within seconds. If you find yourself fortunate of having that phone, appreciate it and use it to your mental health advantage.

 

FUNKS & DEPRESSION CYCLES TAKE TIME

Be patient with yourself, but don’t baby yourself as well. Move with intention in life and you will find purpose. Don’t expect to be a spring chicken right after you change what you were doing to get yourself out of a funk. It normally takes time and that’s quite alright. Love yourself enough to carry through, even if it is time consuming. I promise you will see progress.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Blogger Recognition Award

This is so exciting, my FIRST award!

Thank you to

Ashleigh of http://www.wonderlandwarblings.com

&

Crystal of http://www.crysscrafts.com

for nominating me for this Blogger Recognition Award.

The Rules:

1. Thank the blogger that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Write a post to show you were nominated and share your award.
3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
4. Give 2 pieces of advise to new bloggers.
5. Select 15 other bloggers that you would like to give this award to.
6. Let them know they have been nominated, and provide the link to the post that you created.

 

Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll: A brief story

With a bachelors degree in psychology and a minor in cussing I decided to up and quit my job to start this fab blog. Just kidding, The idea of “Sex, Mental Health & Rock n Roll” started off as a podcast. As I became more ill and had to leave my job I found as though it was very challenging to podcast weekly and get guests etc. As my journey to seeking help for my medical crisis continued the idea of a blog popped into my head. I knew that even on my worst days I could sit down and write. Just write about what I have to say and want to say and no one could tell me otherwise. So with that, I started my blog and here I am rambling.

 

2 Pieces of Advice:

1. Say what you feel: fuck the judgments, fuck what’s “cool” and “hip” right now and go with what YOU want. Don’t lose sight of yourself for the sheer thought of more popularity on your blog. People will love what you write if they know its from the heart.

 

2. Be organized: some days I feel as though my heads going a million miles an hour so I just freak out and crawl up my own ass. Don’t do what I did at first. Write it all out. Get a notebook or an online word doc and write down everything that needs to get done. Goals, tasks, and potential posts. This will help put your mind at ease!

 

 

The Lovely Nominees are:

  1. Emma https://wildflowermind.com
  2. Fear & Faith http://www.fearandfaith.ie
  3. Hayley Beth http://lovehayleybeth.co.uk
  4. Claudia http://www.claudiamorgan.co.uk
  5. Sophia https://sophiaaaxo.com
  6. Molly https://goodgollymisssmolly.wordpress.com
  7. Samantha https://awkwardpenguin95.wixsite.com/mysite
  8. Katie https://www.brewingupstyle.com
  9. Corisa https://linktr.ee/fennelandfir
  10. Currently, Lately https://currentlylately.com
  11. Revathy http://thearistochic.com
  12. Magaly https://jetplanemommy.com
  13. Heather https://therawbrunette.wordpress.com
  14. Meghan http://vivadivine.co
  15. Sunlight of the Mind https://sunlightofthemind.com/
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Fetus- Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

– Guest submission

From January to about March,

I’d been having some bad pains in my side. I figured it was an ovarian cyst, as I get them often. But this time, it was a different kind of pain. I’d had periods, had a pap and pelvic, and a negative pregnancy test. So when the pain got to the point where I could not move out of bed or keep anything down, I decided to go to the hospital. It was 4 days after my birthday.

At the hospital, I was taken in for an ultrasound.

It was in that room that my world quickly spiraled away. I felt like I was in “The Descent Into The Maelstrom”.  There, they silently turned the screen to me and showed me a fully formed 13 week fetus wiggling around. I completely lost it. My boyfriend at the time lived out of state, and I hadn’t seen him in, you guessed it, about 13 weeks. It was pressing against something in my uterus and was causing a hemorrhage.

They said it wasn’t a healthy pregnancy.

Honestly, I was amazed at the lack of care for my own wellbeing after it was found I was pregnant. Everyone focused on the life inside me encouraging me telling me it was gonna be okay. But my mind was already made up. The very next Monday after the weekend, I called and set up an appointment at the clinic. My best friend came over for support and everything. The night before, as I laid in bed cuddling my best girl, panicking, I drifted off to sleep. I had a dream I was laying in a bed and a nurse held my hand and asked me “are you sure you want to kill your daughter?” And I woke up in a cold sweat. The whole drive there I kept asking myself if it was a sign. Do I really have an actual mini me inside of me right now? DO I want to terminate this?”

I questioned it, but internally I already knew my mind wasn’t going to change.

I walked into the clinic trying to hold my head high as protestors screamed horrible, horrible things to me, my mom and my best friend and threw stuff at us. I attacked one but was pulled off a security, before promptly having another breakdown in the parking lot.

 

The wait was forever.

When I was finally taken back they did another ultrasound. Cue yet another breakdown– I was told I was 14 almost 15 weeks pregnant and the doctor there today doesn’t do terminations at that stage. I had to come back the next day, and pay another $100 (altogether I paid $650). I was a wreck the entire 24 hours waiting. When morning finally came, I was ready. My best friend held my hand as we walked together into the building.4 misoprostol, some serious IV drugs, and 4 hours later, I woke up, woozy and was told to get dressed and make sure to double up the pads.

I looked around the room and saw a wad of bloody towels

In my drugged state I asked if that was my baby, obviously it wasn’t. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wasn’t sore, I just had mild/kinda bad cramps. But I did bleed. A lot. For about 3 weeks. I had night terrors for a while. Not because I regretted my decision, not at all. What traumatized me most, as selfish as it may sound, was not being TOLD by the staff I was pregnant. It was the way the nurse just stared at me coldly as she turned the screen to me.

Overall, I put myself and my health first.

The relationship I was in was a volatile, cruel, long-distance relationship. I’m glad it’s all over though, and if I were to get pregnant with my new partner, I don’t think I’d ever consider going down that road again.

Xoxo, K. E. K.

– Guest submission

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A Letter to my Drug Addict Mom

be· tray· al

bəˈtrāəl,bēˈtrāəl

Noun: The action of betraying one’s country, a group, or a person.

Synonyms: Disloyalty, treachery, bad faith, faithlessness, falseness.

I would love to say “Dear mom”, but I’m not quite sure you deserve the title of “mom” anymore. No offense, but you’re not much of one.

 

I once respected the mother you were until I was in 7th grade and you took a plunge toward rock-bottom. We all hit rock bottom, but we don’t all abandon our children. You missed my first homecoming, my first high school soccer game, my first prom but most importantly you missed my growth.

You missed it all.

You didn’t teach me to put a tampon in, another friend had to because you wouldn’t answer your phone. That bomb ass contour I can do? Ya, I learned that from YouTube after I learned most of my other “girly” habits. Learning to separate my loads of laundry came from my friends moms who took your place while you were gone. Let me rephrase, you’re still gone.

Your habits costed me my sanity.

The time has come. You relapsed again. Am I shocked? Eh. Am I surprised? Absolutely not. It’s been roughly 5-6 years since I have seen you in this state. It has been exactly that long since I’ve watched you nod off mid sentence and get calls  about you not showing up for work again. I thought you would have learned the first time. You lost everything, even me.

I do not and will not ever understand your ability to drop it all just for a fix. Call it a disease or an illness; I don’t give a fuck. Whatever name you decide to label yourself with, you’re still selfish.

I had surgery the other day

You didn’t even call to wish me good luck. They gave me 6 incisions to do a double surgery on my stomach. It took about 4 hours. While my father anxiously waited in the waiting room of the cold hospital, you were probably snorting another Xanax you stole from my purse. I didn’t get a text from you until the next day. All I got was a “Bitmoji” saying “I LOVE YOU”. You’re disgusting, and fuck your “Bitmoji” too.

I wish more than anything I could have my mother take care of me while I recover from this horrible surgery, but I know you would just steal my pain medications; as you’ve done in the past. I don’t think a pill can ever numb the damage you’re doing to yourself and me.

I told you NEVER again, & I thought you understood that.

I told you if you ever relapsed the way you did before you would no longer have a daughter, a grandchild, a son-in-law, etc. You would have nothing. I guess that doesn’t scare you as much as it scares me.

I hate to say this, but I have to go.

You’re an adult and I’m done acting like the mom. I’ve worried about you like a mother worries about a child since I was 11 years old. My stomach is worn down and my tears are nearly exhausted. It’s been 12 years of constant worrying, and I’m sorry but I just can’t do this anymore. I love you because you are my mom but I hate you because you don’t not take ownership of being a mom.

You still act like the past is in the past.

But the reality of it is, you leaving on a drug binge is my past which affected my future. I don’t flaunt my past nor do I hide it. I know it’s not my fault you’re a belligerent party foul, but it’s embarrassing being related to someone who is. You leaving before, was a blip in your past, whereas with me it was my childhood.

I can’t believe you have the audacity to repeat my childhood.

You’re doing it again and I hope you regret with every ounce in you; just like I regret letting you back into my heart. It’s sad I have to say such negative things about you, but for once someone isn’t blurring the truth.

 

I hope this drug binge gives you the satisfaction

you’re looking for, but I hope I don’t find you dead.

XX, The kid that came out of you.

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Your Pussy is YOUR Pussy

I am so sick and tired of seeing girls have sex with a guy because they feel like they have to.

No, fuck that. It takes two to tango my love, and if you don’t want to tango there is NOTHING wrong with it.

Never let any significant other (or potential significant other) make you feel like you owe them YOUR body.

Fuck that, you don’t.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” to the douchebag that wanted to “Netflix and Chill” instead of take you on a date. You are worthy of only the best, and so is your lady garden. It makes me so sad to hear women say that they feel like they should at a minimum blow the guy since he took her on a date. Now, I’m not saying don’t give blow jobs, but what I am saying is don’t feel pressured to give them. If it’s your thing it’s your thing, if it’s not then own it.

Don’t let some little fuckboy make you feel bad for not putting out.

I mean, obviously don’t be a teasing whore then act all innocent. Just do yourself a favor and respect yourself enough to do what you want. Also if he’s already being a prick about you not putting out, it probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyways.

Don’t let others thoughts shape who you are.

Don’t let the thoughts and judgments of others get in the way of respecting yourself and your lady bits. If someone thinks you’re “prude” and that makes you uncomfortable, then fuck them. If someone thinks you’re a “whore” because you slept with over ten guys your freshman year, then guess what? FUCK THEM TOO. If you’re ok with doing what you did or didn’t do, then that’s all that matters.

This task may take learning your strengths, weaknesses and even your emotions. That’s totally ok. Finding out who you really are isn’t that bad. Even sexually. It’s totally a fun exploration. Some people find that they’re sexually closed off; whereas I found as though I’m more of a sexually open person than I ever thought to be. It’s okay to try things out, alone or with others, just to learn these things about yourself.

 

Don’t knock it until you try it.

With respecting yourself and your female garden down there, you must respect others as well. If someone is into something sexually that you’re not, it’s ok to say no, but do not judge them. Just like you have your wants, needs and boundaries, they have theirs as well. If you’re curious about doing something sexually, then try it. If you’re not curious then don’t. It’s honestly quite simple. BUT, don’t put down others sexual desires if you haven’t tried it yourself.

 

Read about it.

If you’re unsure of something you want to try or maybe feel like something you want to try could be unsafe in some way; read about it. Do your research. This doesn’t mean you have to go watch pornos to become a pro. I literally mean research the topic. A lot of times there are scholarly articles on different sex topics and you can learn a lot from those.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Honor yourself 

 

 

Xx, Kyles

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