Your Pussy is YOUR Pussy

I am so sick and tired of seeing girls have sex with a guy because they feel like they have to.

No, fuck that. It takes two to tango my love, and if you don’t want to tango there is NOTHING wrong with it.

Never let any significant other (or potential significant other) make you feel like you owe them YOUR body.

Fuck that, you don’t.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” to the douchebag that wanted to “Netflix and Chill” instead of take you on a date. You are worthy of only the best, and so is your lady garden. It makes me so sad to hear women say that they feel like they should at a minimum blow the guy since he took her on a date. Now, I’m not saying don’t give blow jobs, but what I am saying is don’t feel pressured to give them. If it’s your thing it’s your thing, if it’s not then own it.

Don’t let some little fuckboy make you feel bad for not putting out.

I mean, obviously don’t be a teasing whore then act all innocent. Just do yourself a favor and respect yourself enough to do what you want. Also if he’s already being a prick about you not putting out, it probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyways.

Don’t let others thoughts shape who you are.

Don’t let the thoughts and judgments of others get in the way of respecting yourself and your lady bits. If someone thinks you’re “prude” and that makes you uncomfortable, then fuck them. If someone thinks you’re a “whore” because you slept with over ten guys your freshman year, then guess what? FUCK THEM TOO. If you’re ok with doing what you did or didn’t do, then that’s all that matters.

This task may take learning your strengths, weaknesses and even your emotions. That’s totally ok. Finding out who you really are isn’t that bad. Even sexually. It’s totally a fun exploration. Some people find that they’re sexually closed off; whereas I found as though I’m more of a sexually open person than I ever thought to be. It’s okay to try things out, alone or with others, just to learn these things about yourself.

 

Don’t knock it until you try it.

With respecting yourself and your female garden down there, you must respect others as well. If someone is into something sexually that you’re not, it’s ok to say no, but do not judge them. Just like you have your wants, needs and boundaries, they have theirs as well. If you’re curious about doing something sexually, then try it. If you’re not curious then don’t. It’s honestly quite simple. BUT, don’t put down others sexual desires if you haven’t tried it yourself.

 

Read about it.

If you’re unsure of something you want to try or maybe feel like something you want to try could be unsafe in some way; read about it. Do your research. This doesn’t mean you have to go watch pornos to become a pro. I literally mean research the topic. A lot of times there are scholarly articles on different sex topics and you can learn a lot from those.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Honor yourself 

 

 

Xx, Kyles

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Live Journaling

Let a journal prompt take you on a journey, here’s mine:

“What is your relationship with sadness? Do you see it as a necessary component to life or try to avoid it at all costs? Do you find sadness beautiful or as a moment of happiness you’ll never get back?”

 

Sadness finds me quite well, although I do not seek its attention. There are many levels and variations to sadness. Sadness, to me, has a purpose. You know why you are sad. Whereas with depression, you don’t always know. It’s not to say the two aren’t similar, but I can distinguish between the two quite well. The coexistence of depression & sadness are quite often, although depression seems to rule my life, whereas sadness is just in the background.

To feel is a privilege.

Not many people understand that but I was one of the unfortunate ones that had to learn the hard way. Although sadness is not great, it’s an emotion. Emotions are beautiful. To be able to feel is such a gift. I know you may be like, “why in the fuck would sadness be a gift?”. To be quite frank, it wasn’t until I felt nothing at all that taught me this lesson.

I was a sophomore in college when this occurred. This is the first time I truly experienced how deep and dark my depression could be. I’m not sure exactly what triggered it, but I vividly remember the misery of emptiness.

Nothing I did could stimulate my mind.

Absolutely nothing. Not even sex or working out. I spent almost a week not sleeping. I shit you not, a total week of no REM sleep. I was delusional and sick. One of my professors actually questioned if I was using drugs. It was awful. During that time and for quite awhile after, I felt absolutely nothing. I was not happy nor was I sad. I had nothing to say but at the same time wanted to tell someone everything; but, I just didn’t know where or how to start. It’s like I was constantly brain locked. It almost felt as though a literal element of myself was missing.

Not feeling is very powerful.

To have nothing stimulate your mind is very disturbing in ways I can’t even put into words. I remember the only thing I could feel was physical pain, but because I was not moving much there wasn’t much pain to follow. Until one day. My bones began just aching. Every part of me aching, almost as though I was ran over by a truck. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I hurt so fucking bad. After hours of laying in bed and dwelling, I finally had the energy to take a shower.

I could barely move my bones ached so bad.

I remember thinking, “this is the first thing I’ve felt in awhile”. I finally made it to the restroom, undressed and got into the shower. I turned the shower to almost scorching and  I let it run on my head down onto my back. I was standing facing the drain. I could see the water, in detail, swirling down into the drain. At that exact moment, I felt as though I was the water. That this was an actual representation of how my life was about to go. For some very very very odd reason, I felt a deep connection to that swirling down the shower drain water.

I stood there with the water running on my head for about 30 minutes. It felt like a movie scene where the girl gets her heart broken and just stands in the shower all sad and shit. Except I was numb. I was unbelievably numb my bones ached all the way from my teeth to my toes.

I hadn’t cried in weeks.

I just couldn’t, I could feel nothing. There was absolutely nothing that made me cry. I remember my great aunt passed away during this time and I barely shed a tear. I was just numb. Not even death could make me feel something again, and that scared the shit out of me.

After over a year of complete numbness I got on medication.

Although I was not happy about getting on medication, it saved my life. Absolutely nothing I did would change that numbness and to help bring my head out my ass, a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor was definitely needed. I can remember the day the medications started working. A few weeks after taking them consistently, out of nowhere it felt like the seas had parted and my head had been pulled out of my ass. I could feel little bits and pieces of life again.

It did not make me “normal”, it made life doable.

That night that I felt the meds begin working I collapsed to my floor and cried my heart out. This is the first time in over a year I had felt so many emotions, especially all at once. I was happy, I was tired, I was sad, I was emotional, I was just about every emotion there was.

 

So, to answer the question;

Yes, I find as though sadness is a very necessary component to life. Going without feeling over a year will change you for good. It will make you realize the beauty in sadness and the necessity to feel to emotions. Sadness to me is beautiful. We would not know happiness without sadness or sadness without happiness. We would not know gratitude if sadness didn’t sweep us off of our feet some days or another. Sadness, in a way, sharpens our senses. It makes us aware of what we do and do not want. Sadness brings us deeper within ourselves than we would ever want to go, and that alone is necessary.

 

Xx, Kyles

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Living with Multiple Mental Illnesses: My Daily Essentials

Having a mental illness(es) is a real bitch, isn’t it?

 

I personally struggle with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD and ADD. With this madness all up in my brain I have to somehow find a way to function. Below are my personal essentials for living with these illnesses and why.

 

1. Having a Routine

   I find as though that this is the most important thing for me. Without having my routines I’m totally lost. My mind feels chaotic and I end up getting nothing done while hating myself. You want to get stuff done, even if you hate yourself at the end. I mean hey, at least you got stuff done.

Having a routine provides a sort of structure and familiarity. The point is to have order and organization in your life to keep a level head (as much as possible). Structure provides direction (or at least a sense of it) in your life. Essentially having a routine provides the framework for our day. It’s one less thing the brain, that is already struggling, has to process.

Having a routine also reduces the need for willpower. I’m sure many of you are familiar with this but, you have no energy what so ever most days. When creating a routine and schedule this helps the mind not think of your daily tasks as a “willpower” type of thing. It becomes instilled as a habit versus a chore or a task.

For myself personally, I like to have a morning, day & night routine.

Here’s an example of my morning routine:

  • Set about 9 alarms between 7:00-7:30am that way by 7:30 I have hated myself enough to finally roll out of bed and shut my alarm up for good.
  • At this point I probably realize “oh shit, I’m about to piss myself” and run to the restroom with my tiny overactive bladder and take a nice long piss.
  • After my glorious piss (and I know y’all know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about so don’t even try and be grossed out right now) I wash my hands. After washing my hands I put on some music and TURN THE FUCK UP. Just kidding. I begin my skin care routine. This includes washing my face and hydrating it.
  • From there I pour myself a nice cup of coffee with some yummy creamer and let my dog outside. I love to go outside and sit for about 30 minutes in the morning, drink my coffee and read. And by read I mean check my social media. But try and read because checking your social media in the morning isn’t good for you. I’m just a rule breaker and love to self sabotage.
  • After running to the restroom 6 times and finishing my coffee I love to have a good yoga or meditation session. Right now I am currently doing 30 Days of Yoga on YouTube, so that’s when I will do my daily yoga. Just beware, if you have a 5cm hole in your diaphragm like I do, downward dog will fuck you up acid reflux wise so TAKE YOUR MEDS!
  • After my yoga session (from home don’t judge me) I take a shower. After showering I cook myself a nice hearty and healthy breakfast to begin my day.

When planning your routines, you can start off with just a morning one then work your way to a night one. There are plenty of blogs and videos on YouTube showing different routines that you can produce ideas from. I highly suggest writing this routine down and being as descriptive as possible when doing so. This helps the brain break down your tasks more easily.

2. Essential Oils

   When I first began going to my most recent counselor in September of 2016 she had mentioned to me essential oils for my anxiety and depression. I’m not even going to blow steam up your ass; I thought it was a bunch of shit. Although I studied the olfactory system and how powerful it is when I was in college, there was no way something other than Xanax could mellow out my riddled self.

  Here is how essential oils actually does calm your riddled anxiety ridden, depressed sleeping self. I personally love to diffuse my oils. During inhalation of the essential oil (and no you don’t huff it you fucking junky you) the odor molecules travel through the nasal canal into your brain which in turn effect multiple receptor sites. One of these receptor sites is your limbic system, or referred to as the “emotional brain”. The limbic system supports a variety of functions such as long term memory, stress levels, blood pressure, breathing levels and many other important functions that factor into our daily lives. Moral of the story the essential oils work.

   Depending on the blend it can help calm your mind, energize it or even help you sleep. You can simply purchase a diffuser from Amazon.com for under $20. The tricky part is the oils. This where you want QUALITY. Quality is so important because you know it is not “cut” with anything else, or diluted. If it’s diluted then you’re getting ripped off and don’t need that in your life. Doterra and Young Living are the two main brands I like for my oils. They are a bit pricey but SO WORTH IT.

     HACK: If you don’t know if you will like the smell since you are ordering online, you can always order the cheap version through amazon and see how you like it. Just because it’s not as high of a quality doesn’t mean it won’t work. It just won’t work as well.

 

3. Taking Your Medications at the Same Time

   This is SUPER important and people don’t realize this. Your body gets into a routine and by throwing it for a loop chemically can really damage your mental well-being.

    If you’re anything like me you can’t remember anything, so here are some reminder tips:

  • Set a nightly alarm, or 20.
  • Write it everywhere to remind yourself.
  • Buy the AM and PM pill dividers so you can keep track of when you have and haven’t taken your medications.

 

4. I FUCKING LOVE PLANNING

   I get a real female hard on for planning. Like who doesn’t like cute stickers and sticky notes to remind you to go get a pap by your bitchy gyno? I like to call the process of planning, “Pimp My Planner”. The benefits of this is organization and expectations for the week/month. In my planner I include all of my doctors appointments and blogging posts. I also love to decorate it with washi tape. You can take a blah looking planner and turn it into your own in a matter of minutes. It’s a way to keep your life organized in style.

5. To-Do Lists

THESE ARE ESSENTIAL. Every night before I go to bed I draft up a to-do list for the next morning. Some people prefer making their lists in the morning and that’s totally fine as well. To-do lists help your mind break down what actually needs to get done. It also keeps your from stressing about doing things. I always am adding and scratching things off during the day. You can do this in your planner or if your lists are more extensive you can get a notebook for these types of things. You can also decorate your to-do lists with washi tape and other pretty things.

 

6. Set a Bedtime and Wake-up Time

This helps regulate your body and mind. You want to regulate your body in any way that you can to help it keep functioning. I like to go to bed around 10:00-10:30pm and wake up around 7:30am. I can personally say this change from waking up whenever, to a strict schedule has been amazing. At first it seems very daunting and dreadful, but it’s actually quite lovely. It also helps ensure you’re getting more than enough sleep needed. When having any sort of illness, physical or mental, you want to make sure your body is getting enough rest.

 

7. Be Honest as Shit with Your Loved Ones

It is SO important to tell your friends and family the type of state that you are in. Especially when things get bad. Don’t be afraid of judgment, if they judge you FUCK THEM. You’re on this journey for YOU and you want as many people backing you as possible. I personally have a go to person when things get bad. I let that person know that they’re essentially my “I’m fucked” buddy and she was so OK with it. Have a friend like that. It’s quite necessary to have people in your life that you can count on. This give your mind a sense of security. If you don’t have people you can rely on there are counseling services as well as apps and online forums that you can discuss your problems.

 

Be true to yourself. Push those in the way aside and always remember, healing is not a linear path.

 

Xx, Kyles

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You Put the Cock in Cocktail.  

 

Hint: You’d Only Fuck These Guys Drunk

We all know a guy who can put the cock in cocktail and by this I mean, any guy you might accidentally hook-up with while you’re drunk. And you, without fail, will in fact fuck at least one of these guys in your lifetime.These men are called DOUCHE BAGS.

I love douche bags because they’re so predictable, hence how I can write a whole blog post on them.

Bellow are just a few of the many types of douchebags:

1. The Frat Douche: You can usually find these little fuckers running around in Sperrys and pastel colored clothes that are MUCH too small for their bodies. And by too small, I mean I can almost see their unevenly shaven ball sacks hanging out from their “THESE ARE NOT CARGOS” shorts. He’s probably a business major and will over estimate his penis size by a good inch and a half. You will only know this because the snapchats looked great but too bad you can’t live life at your “good dick angle”. Although these little douche bags can “party” you’ll usually find a hand full of them passed out at their own frat parties. Like who the fuck passes out at their own party? Pussies.

 

2. The “CHECKOUT MY MIX-TAPE” Douche: There are two branches of these dumbasses. There’s the “wanna be rappers” and the “wanna be EDM  artists”. Whatever you do STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Only because, instead of shoving his awkwardly curved penis down your throat, it’ll be his mixtape and you want NO PART OF THAT. The “wanna be rappers” will tell you they’re a hit sensation, but Walmart won’t even sell them in their 5 dollar box. The wanna be DJ’s will usually be on some sort of drug and almost always offer you some, which is quite nice. Don’t fall for it though because after rolling your balls off you’ll be stuck on the come down at some fuck  boys house with no ride and a dead cell phone. Make sure to sneak out before he slides his mix tape in your purse.

 

3. Mr. “No Fat Chicks allowed”: IT NEVER FAILS, YOU WILL AT SOME POINT MEET THIS DOUCHEBAG. And whatever you do, DO NOT take it personal. These dick heads will sit there and tell you how much they hate fat chicks as they stand there with their beer gut and choad. I’m not even going to elaborate on this type of douche bag anymore because there’s nothing funny about them other than their dick size.

 

4. The Dead Beat Douche: These douchebags are usually hard to communicate with due to their lack of education and capability to speak properly. This douchebag has more than one child; more often than not with multiple women. Although he has multiple children, he never sees any of them and then complains that he “doesn’t get child support”. I shit you not, a sperm donor literally complaining that they’re not getting child support. This is what I mean, hard to communicate with. Nothing they say makes any sense at all. These douche bags will also have summer teeth. If you don’t know what I’m referring to “some are here and some are there” type of mouth set. Now I personally have never been that blacked out drunk to get it in with one of these guys (and I never want to be) but if you have, hit me up on my email and let me know how awful it was… 

 

5. The Stereotypical “Player” Douche: These guys are usually good. They’re not low key but they’re pretty damn charming for whatever reason. This type of douchebag more than likely goes to the gym “super baked bro” and will send you snapchats of his dick at odd hours. When he sends you snaps like this, he is NOT thinking about you. Please be aware that you just got dick spammed by this fucker and only ONE female was expecting it and he liked the angle so he sent the photo to every female on his recent favorites. These are the guys that usually post on social media while ignoring your texts. This guy 10/10 uses a douche whistle or in their terms “A VAPE BRO”.

 

6. The Trust Fund Douche: This douchebag has dropped out of college and still lives in the same town as the college he failed out of. This guy is also probably your drug dealer who tells you he’s “giving you a good deal” every time you go pick-up. Which, in fact, he is not. He is giving you the same deal as everyone else. Even if this dude is ugly he can still somehow slay pussy, but the pussy never stays because they realize he’s a loser.

 

7. The “Babe” Douche: This douchebag will call you babe from the second he sniffs feelings coming from your hopeless ass. Babe this, baby that. Don’t let it fool you. He’s probably still texting his most recent ex-girlfriend calling her babe as well. He’ll say that he “wants a relationship babe, but wants it to be natural and gradual”. What he’s really saying is that once he’s bored fucking you he’s going back to his ex.

 

Now sit back, relax and drink up to celebrate not letting these dicks get near your pussy.

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Riddles Within Me

 

Before my eyes even pop open my heart begins racing. It races in a way that is all to familiar to me. It’s happening… Again… I don’t know why I keep saying “again” as if it isn’t an everyday thing. Accept it. But don’t let it consume you. Grasp it but don’t let it grasp you.

There’s so many stipulations that I didn’t even ask for. How in the fuck did my mind crawl this far up my ass and riddle me with these feelings that I can’t even mentally process. In attempt to process I go through every step. Every movement & every task is methodically thought out and listed in my head. Do I do this consciously? No. My heart starts thumping harder. I can’t stop it. I’m shaking.

I can’t process it. What is IT that is causing my mind to race like this. To break down every aspect of my life but to not be able to understand any of it. It’s like my mind is locked but at the same time it is running to quickly.

Sweat bleeds through my shirt. FUCK. The shirt has been on less than ten minutes. How is this possible? How am I capable of manipulating my body with my brain subconsciously. I was capable of a college degree why am I not capable of acting like a NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN.

I usually observe others when I am alone, which in fact is a lot. I like to be alone. It quiets my mind a bit more. Gives me a little less to process. I watch how others act and interact with one another. I’m curious to see what it’s like to do and act without thinking about every step. I admire these people. Going through life with such bliss, what an amazing thought.

I constantly try to process how I let my mind take over my thoughts and abilities. I’m not angry at myself per say, just confused and frustrated. At what point did I lose my mind? Yes, losing your mind is a process; but I want to know when that process began. Curiosity lingers in my mind. Not in a educational and informational way either; but in a daunting manner. It’s misery at best. A type of misery that only I can feel. It’s like having the worst super power ever. Nobody can know you are riddled within but you damn well are and you pull that shit off well.

My skin is raw. My arms, my upper legs, my face. I can’t stop. It stops my obsessive thoughts. I pick blemish by blemish. “Stop picking or you’ll scar like that”. Others don’t feel what I feel in my head and that’s to rid the blemish. The others were right. It scars me but I still can’t stop the thought process of banishing the blemish myself. It’s compulsive, but it’s where I am content.

Sound bothers me but so does stillness. I’d like to live where I could put life on mute. Just like what I do with the TV. I don’t usually like the TV unless it’s on mute. To much stimulation, too many tones of voices. It hurts. Physically hurts. Voices begin to sound like nails down a chalkboard after awhile.

Can you guess where you’re at? That’s right, my anxiety ridden mind.

xx , Kyles

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Why The Hell Am I Here?

To be quite honest, I’m still figuring it out myself…
Normal doesn’t even begin to explain my life. Messy, out of control and nerve-racking, maybe. I’m your typical bullshit “just graduated college” type of gal. I graduated with a degree in psychology and a minor in business; determined to grab the world by its balls and become successful with tons of money by the age of 25. Well, life grabbed me by the (female) balls and said “LETS GO FOR A RIDE BITCH”, and with that, it dragged me down a path of weirdness. I don’t want to say misery, because I am not miserable or anything of that negative nature. I’m just as confused as any one of you reading this. And if you aren’t confused in life well I’m both jealous and concerned you’re doing it wrong.
The whole purpose of this blog is to share the things I love and know best; which in turn will probably be considered “weird” or maybe even intriguing. I will cover an array of topics including: “embarrassing sex topics”, “we all do drugs so don’t even bullshit me”, “we’re all a little fucked up”, “I think I did spinal damage at a punk show” and other things of that nature. Shit…. you can even put in a request. Use my contact info below to email me a topic you want me to cover. Yes, yes, my inner white girl will come out and I will cover personal things such as my mental health or how to clean your house with all natural products. Don’t worry guys, I will keep this thing fun and interesting…. You just have to keep reading and giving me some love.

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